Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Wrote this a few years ago... was kinda in my feelings a bit.
Thought I would share.

The nameless faces.
The forgotten places.
Time wasted.
Death tasted.
Forgetting what it was to enjoy..
A beautiful life so quickly destroyed.
The Pain I was feeling used as my compass.
The drugs and blast...
comfort in numbing...
Using to bypass.
My life, and all that's in it, quickly slipping through my fingers like sand.
Lost to the nameless faces.
The forgotten places.
The time wasted.
The death I tasted.
Losing myself... Living a lie.
Scared and alone...I left to save my life.
Seeking my soul and searching for strength through my travels many.
As weeks went on happiness and hope were felt once again!
Surprising me, for I had been convinced happiness was no longer in my plan.
Thrilled to Reveal the me I found within while travelling the land. .
I had fallen once more to that demon I chose to cater.
After having endured the miles in distance
And heart longing pain...
Now proving I had done so in vain.
All those tears that had been shed
For what?! For NOTHING!
Never had I felt so much shame.
Much deeper and darker I fell into the depths of my hell.
Isolation and self hatred...
No reminisce of self, just an empty shell.
Didn't know who I was anymore. Sobriety and my life...
Why wasn't I choosing what I longed for most?
Who i was...
Who I had been...
Had vanished in anguish..
As if a ghost.
Hitting my knees
Asking for strength
But praying even harder that my life He would take.
Utterly desperate to end the pain. For if losing what mattered most didn't make me change...
I was certain then, my soul it had claimed.
Exhausted by my walk through hell.. Sick of being Sick!
Instead of pushing me forward these feelings only kept me an active addict.
Not understanding.
Now barely crawling... lucky at times to be standing.
Those forgotten places.
All the time wasted.
And longing for the death I tasted.
Pain used as my compass...
And the drugs used to bypass...
Now my trials and pain exponentially larger all while thinking i was coping...
When in reality, these were the cards I was dealing.
Choices made.
Morals shifted.
Friendships severed.
Tough Lessons given..
Second chances not always a given to make things right..
The hands of time don't turn back for my loss of sight.
So much time spent in a daze... final goodbyes said, regretfully in a dope haze.
Only hoping now to find myself which seems a distant dream.. By far the hardest battle I've ever fought, by all means.
It's difficult to find strength when all one feels is pain and shame...
But life worth every damn strain.
I am determined that I will be whole again someday.
Everyday learning to love myself more...
In hopes that my broken heart will be mended where now torn.
For now it's life I've tasted!



 I am available to speak in your city, for your organization, school, or synagogue.
Please contact me at 443-415-0449 or at rabbischoenes@gmail.com for fee and scheduling information.