Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Your own past

-If you have issues from your past, such as sexual abuse, neglect, your family's failure to protect you, certain gender types or some family members, etc. please, seek help. Your child is the one that will suffer. A child should never have to carry the scars of sexual abuse. And if you have suffered at the hands of a sexual predator, I am sorry, that you were hurt. However, you must protect your children. Please do not let the trauma of your past lead you to fail to protect yourself or loved ones.

No child or adolescent should have sex; children should be children, protected and loved.

No adult wants to have sex against his or her own will. No child or adult wants to be physically restrained, tortured, threatened, terrorized or blackmailed by a sexual predator. Sexual predators know who to terrorize and how to terrorize their victims.

Speaking from the depths of horrors from my own past it is an unspeakable sadness that I hold when I know how I was forced to do things against my will. All present saw but at the same time dismissed my sickness, my wounds and behavior and did nothing to save me. I write from my own knowledge and the knowledge of others who suffered so horribly as a child and as adults. I see the physical and the emotional wounds. These are the things that can be stopped, my knowledge does not have to become the first hand knowledge of others. Sexual predators can be stopped.
We all have a right to inherit our bodies. We have a right to our lives, to blossom into who we want to be. And we all have the right to decide who and when we choose to share our persons with. Children have a right to their innocence.

Parents Ways to Respond and Warning Signs.


Predator's behavior around a child

- If you have children, boy or girl, watch other adults and children around them. Take the time to notice if there is anyone that seems overly interested or concerned with your child or another child. This includes: strong eye contact of others on a child, touching, hugging, rubbing on the child, wants to give the child something alone, wants to constantly be around or near your child or wants to watch/care for just one child over the others - any behavior where there may be someone trying to isolate a child. Or someone who seems to try to make your child feel special, praise, gifts, always touching or near your child. .
-Response- Take your child away from this person. Get between this person and your child. And investigate, ask questions of the person, why she/he is touching or looking at your child. This lets the predator know you are watching your child and you are watching the predator. Children may be extremely fearful and may not be able to tell if something has happened. You have to stop any attack before it happens. You must be your child’s wall of protection.

Child's Behavior

- If your child does not want to go to a certain room - to an aunt’s, uncle’s, grandparent house, family member or friends house, you need to respond, investigate, as questions of why a certain room scares them or why a certain house scares them. These are clues; your child is trying to speak, asking for help. Remember children are taught not to tell, and are told terrible threatening lies and are very traumatized by the predator so the child may not say right away what is wrong.
- If your child does not want to be around a certain person in any setting, suspect something. Watch for your child’s behavior - fits, sudden sickness - anger - trying to get away from the person - behavior out of the norm - These may be clues - Ask the child and the adult, why, but do not accuse your child. This lets the child know that you want to help him/her and it also lets the predator know that you suspect something is wrong and are watching and you will act to protect your child. Sexual predators seek to isolate your child from you and others, they watch to see if your child is being ignored.


How to Respond To Predator Behavior



Ways to respond varies upon the person and the situation. This page also offers warning signs for adults and parents.



Predators constantly seek out victims therefore, it is imperative that survivors are vigilant in their persons, educate themselves and learn the necessary tools to protect themselves as adults and protect their own children. Take personal responsibility for yourself and your actions. Know yourself, set limits for yourself and for those that are around you.

Your Instinct

- If you feel strange about someone, trust your instincts. Your body doesn’t lie it remembers predator’s patterns, behavior and smells. Get up and walk away from this person, and you don’t have to explain why. Try to remove yourself safely from the situation.

Find your Voice

The most important action that can be done to protect anyone is to tell someone what is happening or has happened. Secrets are the predator’s power. But your power is yours to keep it is not to be taken from you.
Predators seek to control and dominate and will do so at all cost and remember the cost is you.  Predators will explicitly threaten, blackmail or use any scare tactic to silence their victim. With each attack, sexual or nonsexual, the predator will become embolden and will seek to escalate their depraved actions.
Your power is in your words, not the predators. Predators can be stopped before anything happens.  
I realize it takes courage to speak out and it may be scary but you must protect yourself.  If you feel that you cannot find your voice start by practicing in a mirror, say it out loud, yell it, scream it, you will find your voice. Remember your voice is your power.
If you feel threatened or uncomfortable by other adults, start with a trusted friend. If possible have the trusted friend stay close, never be alone with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, has threatened you, or attacked you. I also realize this may be difficult for those who are stuck in the same family, extended family, traveling in a vehicle, working environment and etc.  There are many different agencies that may be able to step in on your behalf, such as victim units, crisis centers and many more.
Your voice, speaking out, speaking up, is protection. Please find your voice, don’t let yourself be controlled and don't let anyone take your power. Please tell someone.

Responding to Questions

-Be aware of someone questioning you; listen to how questions are posed this may be a probing technique. - If you feel that a person you barely know is seeking information other than the general niceties, you may want to respond clearly to the person (without using the precursor “I’m sorry”) that you don’t answer personal questions. The point is to make the person aware that you realize that they are asking personal questions and to make her/him uncomfortable asking you invasive questions.

Types of Sexual Predator Behavior

TRIGGER WARNING: This article may be a trigger  for those who have experienced sexual abuse in any form in the past.

I have not written in a while and I feel a little  guilty about that. The reason that I have not had a chance to write and update you all is that I have been extremely busy with something else that is also very important, the war on CSA (child sexual abuse). Every victim that I talk to, every abuser that I see in the street, takes so much energy out of me that writing gets thrown to the back burner.
over the course of the next couple of weeks, I would like to share with you a little about sexual abuse.
Let us start with talking about the predators.

Predators seek power and control over their victim. “Power- The ability to control the behavior of others even against their will.” (Sociology Fourth Edition 1990)

Predators will use any means to dominate their victim. Most children lack the intelligence and physical strength to combat an adult predator.  Trickery, praise, isolation, threats, pain, torture, blackmail are only a few means of control. And some adults lack the ability to combat a predator, especially if the adult was a victim as a child. An adult victim can become trapped and helpless just like a child. And may revert back to their known survival tactics of the child victim.

A predator will physically attack a victim but a predator will also emotionally attack the victim and everyone else.


Emotional attacks are very deceptive in nature and are done in full sight of everyone. It is the cooing, sweetness, complementary, smiling, showing great concern for others, or paying oh so special attention to others or to a certain person.

Predators display such warmth and speak loving kindness to their victim(s). And will display enthusiastic interest in their victim’s job, hobbies, field of study, or any interest of the victim; the predator will also be enthralled with the same thing(s).

Predators have polite social conversation; engage in community events, social events, work events, always present with a helping hand, nothing is an imposition for her or him. She or he may be a strong communicator, easy to be around, out going, willing to be on community or work committees. It is the ultimate set up for the victim and society. We are lulled into a blind trust, always reassured by a well-rehearsed façade. It is the cloak of deceit. And if she or he is discovered they may go under ground for a while but she or he will resurface in another location, another family or anywhere.

Predators fear power and authority that is why the female sexual predator / male sexual predator preys on the defenseless, the controllable, and the vulnerable child and adult. The predator is terrified of being found out; therefore, the predator will generally portray the façade of a submissive and tender person around others. However, survivors know the truth. Charm and rage in one moment, it is what survivors know and what others only glimpse.

Predators believe they are all powerful. She or he will say sexually explicit things, make strong eye contact, grope and are able to invoke fear in her/his victim in a room filled with other adults and/or children. Predators impress themselves with their own depraved power and equally prove to her/his victim how powerful she/he is; and that she/he can get away with anything at anytime; and that no one cares what happens to the victim. It is control over a victim at all times.

It is the moment in a room filled with others that the predator can smile and make conversation but in a second she/he will flash the rage survivors know all to well. Or the predator will walk past the victim and make strong eye contact or grab or touch at the victim, and etc. all seemingly unnoticed, by all.


Planning


Sexual abuse, sexual assault, rape and torture are not done on a whim, attacks are premeditated.

Predators have to plan out well in advance her/his vicious attacks.
Predators must find and track her/his prey.
The predator has to plan when and where her/his prey will be the most vulnerable to an attack.
Predators have to plan how to manipulate others that may be around.
Predators have to figure out how to isolate her/his prey from others.
Predators have to plan out all of her/his lies.
Predators have to plan how she/he will control the victim during the attack and once she/he has finished (for the time being) how to control the victim(s) after the vicious attack. Control means in the field of view and out of the field of view of the predator. Meaning there is no safe place for the victim to hide or run.

Control

Hostage – a person given or held as security for the performance of certain actions, promises etc., by another. (Random House Dictionary)

No matter what method a predator uses the victim is a hostage. The victim is a hostage during the time of the assault, and after the attack. Some predators will use a physical weapon or restraints to control the victim and force the victim to submit. Other forms of control and weapons may be utilized by a predator: drugs, alcohol, blackmail, terror, deception, even convincing the victim that they are to blame for what happened. It is any and all unthinkable means used against a victim.  

Lurking around or always present

Predators will always seem to have children or a ‘special’ child around them all the time, near or touching the child. Or the predator may always seem to need something from someone in particular or is always trying to engage the person in conversation, she or he may constantly want or need attention from someone in particular, or always near or hanging around their victim. Even in group settings the predator is always near the victim, and the predator may attempt to isolate the victim from the group.

And the predator always has her or his eyes on the victim, following every move of the victim or will try to make strong eye contact. There may seem like there is some kind of plausible excuse for the predator to be around the victim. In family settings, in work settings, class settings, or acquaintances getting together, the predator will always lurk around one adult or one child in particular.

Predators can be detected through any disguise even if the predator seems to be soft-spoken, sweet, smart or sincere, or have a professional demeanor toward others, which is all a façade. Victims know that the predator will turn this nice character off instantaneously.



I am available to speak in your community. Please call or text 443-415-0449 for pricing and scheduling.









Tuesday, December 26, 2017

My Life's spider

I call alcohol and drugs my life's spider cause I got caught in its web and like a spider, once it injected its self in me it consumed me like a spider from the inside out. It ate my spirit, my soul, my happiness, my morals, my honesty, and my ability to love and be loved. It made me a hollow shell just existing through life. Today I am grateful my higher power instilled life back in me and I am happy to feel again my ups and my downs cause they make me human.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

UPDATE

Recently, I had some health issues and finally got them under control.
After this period, I tried signing in to my blog but to no avail.
Finally today I found a solution to post for you all.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

How to write a journal

We keep a lot of things in our heads, but we put less down on paper. All those thoughts and ideas bouncing around can sometimes feel overwhelming. You have to-do lists, hopes, dreams, secrets, failures, love, loss, ups, and downs. Ideas come and go, feelings pass. How do you remember all of them? How do you keep them organized? A great way to keep your thoughts organized and clear your mind is to write them down in a journal. Writing is a great exercise for anyone and by expressing yourself in a personal place is a wonderful way to stay sane. 
How should you journal? It is very personal, and you should do what works best for you. But I will give you some tips to help you get started. 

1.Choose your kind of journal
You have several options for how to keep your journal.
A book, where you write with a pen or pencil onto paper: Write in a book that is not so pretty you are afraid to write in it. Keep the size small enough you don’t mind carrying it in your messenger bag, and big enough you can read your handwriting. Do not try journaling at night when the only paper you have on your bedside table is a band-aid. The next morning I couldn’t read my writing on the band-aid, and the idea I wanted to journal was lost.

2. Set a schedule
Setting a schedule is a great first step. Decide how many times you want to write and set a schedule. Whether it be once a day, or once a week, decide on a time you want to write and don’t skip it. 

3. Keep it private
A journal is personal and should be a place you feel comfortable expressing yourself honestly and truthfully.



4. Date your entry
You think you will remember when it happened, but without a written date, you might forget.

5. Tell the truth
The journal is a record of how you felt and what you did. Telling the truth will make you a reliable storyteller.
If you haven’t cleaned the seven litter boxes for a week, don’t write that you clean them every day simply because you want your readers one hundred years from now to think you had good habits.

6. Write down what you felt

What were you thinking? Were you mad? Sad? Happy? Write down why.

7. Write a lot or a little
A journal entry doesn’t have to be three pages long. It can be a few words that describe what happened, a few sentences about the highlight of your day, or it can be a short description of an event from your day, where you describe details to help you remember what happened. Like, what time of day was it? What sound do you remember?
Your journal entry might be a drawing, a poem, or a list of words or cities you drove through. It is your journal, and you have the freedom to be creative.


8. Free write
Free writing is without direction, structure or motive. This means just take yourself to the page and go wild. Whenever an idea pops into your head, just write it down. It doesn't have to be cohesive or have a purpose. 


I am available to speak in your city, for your organization, school, or synagogue.
Please contact me at 443-415-0449 or at rabbischoenes@gmail.com for fee and scheduling information.